Hello, it me 😊

There had been so many things happening around me

And things happened (and still happening) to me

They've drained me so much to the point I couldn't figure "me" out

Some way, somehow, I sort of lost "me"

But slowly I came back, but I'm aware I'm not the same

I can't be anymore...

I left this blog so long but one thing I know is I want to come back to it

To write again, beyond the 140 characters blurbs that I've resorted to in my lost

But I'm at several minds about this

I'm considering these options right now:

1. Just keep adding new entries and leave the old ones as is

2. Clear out the old entries and start anew

3. Make another blog

I don't know if anybody actually checks around here or actually subscribe lol

But I would love to know others opinion on this

I'm starting to get the ideas in my head more sorted, more concrete so I do look forward to write beyond brain barfs!

Oh, and hi again

👋😊

Raya 2016

This might be my quietest Raya for now. Didn't really see as much people as we used to and not many people came by

And I guess the death of a relative also made it an even sombre affair

It was sudden, like suddenly my dad rushed to go visit the family after prayer. It wasn't even clear exactly when and how he died, just that he did

Most remembered his smile, cheeriness, always wanna talk and tell stories. Definitely not the one to be sulky and glum. I can't say much other than I usually see him around Rayas at my grandma's

But I remember the last time I saw him

I was at the hospital, accompanying my sis after her surgery. It was Friday. We kinda expected more people visiting but there was just me and my sis throughout the day. He came after noon. He cycled, this old 70 years old man, to the hospital. Sure, he lived nearby, he doesn't mind it (they say he used to cycle from Cheras to Jalan Duta when he was working). He tells how he pushed his bike to cross the road; hands up, that thanking gesture to drivers who let this old man pushing his bike across the road. Apparently he visited before and my sis was saying how she wanted masak lemak cili api with belimbing buluh. He did brought masak lemak cili api for her but sans the belimbing because it wasn't in season. I can't remember if it was one of his daughter or daughter-in-law who made it. I can't remember what's in it but I think it was ikan parang with pucuk paku? Or was it that young mango (if you asked my sister she'll say those belimbings were in there but I remembered him saying he even went to the market to find them but couldn't find any).

I still remember how grateful my sister was receiving it, eating it (I can't remember if he gave rice as well. Have to check that picture my sis took of what he gave). She's definitely bored of hospital food by then.

I still remember both my sister and I sitting on the bed with it while he sat at a chair opposite to us at the foot of the bed. He kinda spaced out, like he was tired and wanted to sleep. He did excused himself after a while saying he was tired from some of his community activities and he has some more in the evening, so he wants to ready himself.

And he left

I can't remember seeing afterwards on any of the coming Raya

Am I sad he's gone? I don't know...

It is kinda in a way that, y'know, you're aware of their existence and then they're gone

I can't even remember if he has any health complications even (apparently, other than cycling to get from point A to B he also plays badminton) so it felt even more sudden. It was actually kinda nice when we sat talking about the things we remembered about him, down to the smallest of details. It's a good way of mourning I guess. A sad thing too that I think I learnt more of him in a day after his passing than that 70 odd years he was alive.

I'm not even sure what we're suppose to call him because he's my dad's half brother, it's weird

Instead of a name of any kind, I had his face with that teeth-less grin in mind when I said my prayers for him

I actually did forgot I have this... XD

Did you know,

in the midst of "I'm thinking bout this shit now I can't sleep GAHHH!!! GET ON TEH INNERNETZ!"

I suddenly remembered that I had a blog somewhere?

Yes, "a blog somewhere" because I honestly forgotten what the URL was

(thankfully I remember it was on Blogger so...)

I guess it can be said that major things did happened after my last post but to the point that I actually forgotten about this little space of mine?

It's kinda funny to think that way...

I really don't know what to write other than...

This is actually kinda amusing to me that I'm kinda laughing and wondering if I should also cry about it

(nope, I've done enough of that already!)

Yeah, I'm still okay in the "I'm okay with not being okay" way

=3

You Alright There?

Couple of days back I sat next to a lady on the train

From the moment when I went to sit next to her I knew she had been crying; her nose was red. But mostly she tried concealing her face from view with the loose black scarf wrapped around her head.

She reminds me of funerals

I sat next to her and as the train moved I could hear her sob; constantly yet controlling

It brought me back to that moment when I sat by the river at the final day of my second year, dreading how some people were going to leave as I would still remain there.

I cried, I sobbed, I thought only the river would watch me

Twice I was asked, "you alright there?" by stranger

Twice I shook my tears away and told them I'm fine

The lady that walked her dog looked at me, unconvinced, "you're sure?"

Almost a decade back I was in her position, sitting in a train, tearing up

It was obvious with me wiping my eyes with my sleeve every now and then

I remember several faces of,

"Oh my God that kid is tearing up what to do WHAT TO DO?!"

Seems like we're not equipped to handle such situation

We're never taught to ask people if they're alright, especially strangers

Probably we fear if we ask in such situation, in a train filled with people, we'd embarrass them

But I have to admit, the world seemed, eventhough just slightly, better when I thought of those two people that day...

After a while contemplating and convinced by her sob, I held out my tissues to her

She thanked me, wiped her face and continued sobbing, though a bit slower than before

I bid her well when I arrived at my stop as she continued thanking me

I thought,

I don't need to know what pains you right now

All I know is I wish it would ease somehow, someday

27

I had to admit, it was the most taxing year of my life

Probably not a lot of things happened but things happened that made me rethink, shook and shift some of my beliefs, pick my up and shattered me completely in certain circumstances and shut me up, slam the lid tight while I try to gel and glue things together

Not back together, they never "go back together"


There was some thinking but most of the feeling that hurts most

Feeling that led to thinking that led to destruction of beliefs


Although I feel uneasy, fearful, doubtful, angry and still upset of certain things, they weren't as intense as how it were months ago. It's scary thing to feel, to know that I'm not okay and I couldn't be okay anymore


But now I've accepted, being not okay is fine

And somethings, instead of cowering, wondering how I should act, I know I could let go of the punches and hit out. It's like gradually some chains gave way and I could just be


I guess I'm just tired of hiding who I am

Screw what the world expect of me just because of what I'm associated with, I'm breaking those boundaries and be that ever confusing spectrum of colours and shades that you all hate most!


I'll live as me




Looking back there's probably some sense in that 27 club. I had the forms filled but kept pondering if I should submit it

Ramadhan is coming

I don't really know if it is the pretentiousness of Eid celebration here or I just want an excuse to go back there that's making me not looking forward to celebrating Eid here after several years doing so away.

I think it's a combination of both

Eid was more of a half day thing there; pray, eat, no idea what to do so go to uni to do work (or "work"). It's a simple affair, no fancy get up, no sprucing the dwelling beyond the usual cleaning regime and definitely none of them festive songs (heck I only wore that one baju kurung throughout the years!). If there's one thing I'd fuss about is making rendang. The joy for me is seeing other people enjoying it and since they've no idea how them 'otai's make it here, they can't compare and by default, mine is the best they've tasted (HAH!). Also joy when fellow countryfolk enjoys it, 'balas dendam' they say :3 The only thing that irks me there is they never agree to a date for the start of Ramadhan and Eid (I go with those that observe the moon every month because, why would I listen to those that only bothered bout it twice a year?). Every year was different.

And it is because there isn't much to be bothered in regards of Eid coming, Ramadhan was really about Ramadhan. Well, actually, Ramadhan felt like any other day, sans the eating. There's terawikh to be done and I quite like joining the ones at uni whenever possible (while crossing my fingers they have leftover briyani from iftar. I prefer iftar on my own as I don't like to break it with a big meal, I'll eat a a decent meal after I've done Maghrib). Other than that... I just have to keep myself away from my coffee place (unless I can't fast :D)

I feel more at peace with myself


I know, I'm complaining and it's not a positive thing. It's just... I don't know how to say it but I guess I've grown tired of playing "keeping up with the Jones's"...


In anyways, I do hope it'll be a good one despite me not looking forward to it. That's the most I could do for myself...

I'm Not Okay, But I'm Okay With It

I did say I don't want to write if I am to write a downer post but lets be real, I write best when I'm drifting on the gloomy side (if I ever write)

Writing is my main way to sort out my thoughts (other than talking to myself out loud. It's not a weird thing, even Steve does it!). I just don't seem that able to talk bout what's bugging me because usually I can't even pin-point what it is that bugs me so Writing's good for me to figure things out before I go run around asking for opinion (either that or I'm such an emotional mess I'd rather spare people from having to deal with me. Takes really special people to do that)

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay for me to write downer things, that's pretty much me, how I work

It did took me awhile but I finally admit that I had been going through meltdowns and breakdowns these couple of months over things that are out of my control, out of things that are not even my problem. Having to get a scope on the issues, balancing myself on tightropes just so I get it right. At times I do good, at times, I fall

Through it all, I do feel a failure

But people kept telling me that I've done the best I could in my current condition

Yet I kept myself in that rut because I believed that I've failed. It hurts

I'm probably an over-empathetic person; I feel too clearly of others pain that it became mine. I couldn't feel okay anymore when I hear certain stories. Being in a society where victims are buried into silence and lone agony whilst perpetrators are held up, protected, who could be okay?

I remember being a part of it but there were times where I felt uncomfortable, that what's happening, the general reactions were not right

When that switch flipped, it felt like my head was in a long spin cycle. I couldn't comprehend, I couldn't understand how society been okay with everything despite them all running against the core of humanity. That lack of kindness, it's frightening

I wish I never understand why is it so hard to speak up when one is harmed or violated, physically, verbally, mentally or even emotionally. I wish we don't have to even wonder why

Society is messed up

I'm not okay with it

And I'm okay with that

This is crazy but I really wanna go crazy one a bunch of writing projects focusing on everything that has been bugging me. I don't know if I should say it's to purge it from my system because  I don't see how's that possible... We'll see...

These past months my rants are a downer bunch....



I don't feel like posting anymore... At least I don't want another downer post in the recent feed



Oh well, bye

I lay shattered on the ground. It ain't that bad

If to judge this year by my thesis I'd say... well... It ain't good...


I can't really say a lot of bad things happened

It's more of the magnitude of the events, they're big to me

And I won't say they're purely bad either

But once when your beliefs, those that seemed firmed and set got shaken and shattered

It does a lot to ones being...


The good were good

Heck they felt great!

And they always seems minute

But when I thought of them... :)


There's despair and there's hope

There're faith lost and faith restored

I could only wish for the best

For me and my loved ones


Next year won't feel like a restart,

It's just another year in my life

A little Bit Off

I just find it really hard to write down the very thing that bothers me right down to my core these past months. It's really bothersome like it's stuck within me and I can't spew it up like a stubborn phlegm. But I do believe that it should be said, it should be known. I can drop one liners of it but that will never justify the extent of the issue(s). I can't even decide if it's singular or many thing or something more akin to a tree; a trunk in which myriad of branches came out of it. I am tired of thinking of it/them, ruminating it/them, analysing it/them again and again. I am sad and upset and angry because of it/them. I'm losing faith in certain systems and beliefs that had long been engrained in my mind to the point that it felt like flesh is being peeled off of my skull; the pain, the agony. The necessity. I really need to write it down, talk it out, do something, anything with it! I've come to that point that I can't just not do anything about it at all!

This is me, on the sideline, watching. And I am that damaged by it

I think I should be clear when I said "losing faith" I don't mean by with God or my religion so y'all can chill on that front.